Saturday, October 20, 2012

Halloween in a Foreign Country

This post is the child of my sudden realization that I will be missing Halloween, the most revered of all holidays that are not Christmas and Thanksgiving, in the United States. You know, I wouldn't be as upset about missing Halloween had I been able to make the biggest zombie walk in all of Europe that was held in the city where I currently reside. My father happened to be visiting that weekend and I didn't think it too kind to tell him I'd rather be with the rest of the freaks in this town walking like a god damn zombie for a mile. But honestly... missing the biggest zombie walk in Europe? Cut me a break, baby Jesus.

Reasons Halloween in the United States is superior:

1. It's expected of me to have at least two to three costumes because Halloween is not one night. It's like a three day thing. Let us celebrate multiple personality disorder and cos-play.

I'm talkin' blood-lusting zombie to smooth-as-velvet greaser to fucking Jack Sparrow. I once was Edward Scissor Hands and wore a leather coat. my mother's leather coat. backwards. get at me.

My chameleon status.

Note how zombie me fails to have feet.. clearly, I ate them myself. Also, I refuse to draw hands. That's why zombie me's left arm looks like a skinny penis and Jack.. has uncircumcised penis arms. I'm actually just noticed Jack's arms. I'm appalled. Greaser me is fly as fuck, however. Can we talk about those purple shades? I may or may not have those in real life and I may or may not wear them regularly.

2. In the United States, it's only mildly frowned upon to go from house to house past, like, 9th grade in high school. I continued to go until, well, now. I was never shunned or spat upon but I feel like here in France (where apparently it's considered inappropriate to smile at people on the street) I would be seriously judged. In french. I also don't know how to say "trick or treat" outside of my mother tongue and I feel like stumbling my way through the closest thing to it: "give me all of your candy," would seem like a threat.

Here is Audecdote and I. Clearly, she is Bellatrix Lestrange and I am supposed to be an asylum escapee, however, I look more like Ozzy Osbourne post bat-devouring. We were in our senior year, I believe.

3. In America, we have a wonderful love of scaring the shit out of ourselves! Hence all of the seasonal, murderous hayrides, haunted houses, disturbing porch displays with motion-activated screaming mummies, the Halloween movies on constant repeat on television, our use of black cats as a scapegoat for our shitty luck, and the obesity in a cup that is Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks (oh, how I long to suckle at your teat). Contrastingly, in France.. I have yet to see a pumpkin, much less a god damn gourd with those horrific warts!

Image Source

Sweet fuckery, that gourd's mother HATED him! Can I ask how that is even evolutionarily advantageous?? Yes, let me look like exposed body fat, terminal acne and a Hagrid's scrotum all at once, that'll keep me on top. However.. I miss them.

The only reason Halloween might be better in Europe is for the ladies. In the States, Halloween is your one chance to dress like a complete slut and be only semi-judged for it. In Europe, apparently they dress like sluts on the reg:

That's "slutwalk" if you didn't catch it.
 I'm going to miss being in the limousine of death, driven by a middle-aged man with red eyes and a mullet and his female (?) cohort. Then there was being dragged out of said limo by chainsaw-wielding clowns. sigh.. it's just not the same.


  1. LOVE this post!! "Sweet fuckery" your words are so clever!! I love Halloween too, and its great to hear somebody else out there feels that having three costumes is perfectly acceptable.

    I have a medieval theme party to attend, two Pagan rituals (costume not required and probably socially frowned upon) and an Anything Goes Costume Party to attend!!

    Yes!! Halloween!!!

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read it! And, I have no excuse for my language.. it just flows from me. And Halloween is the BEST. Funny enough, I had a brief conversation with a french person about how Halloween is hated here. It took all I had to not give her a swift karate chop to the eve apple.

      Wow, you are going to have a busy Halloween, especially with those Pagan rituals (which I'm sure will be authentic as fuck).

      And as you said: Yes!! Halloween!!!

  2. There was a lot of good times in this post. For one, purple sunglasses are dope! Rock those whether as a costume or just walking down the street. #2, "mildly frowned upon"? Oh no, anyone who has their own place, rent or own that is frequented by tick-or-treaters, "massively hates" kids too old to trick-or-treat. I kind of want to use a fire extinguisher on too old kids if I wasn't so cravenly terrified of teenage vandalism. Also, I don't get trick-or-treaters so I'm getting worked up about nothing.
    Third, GOO! Lumpy Gourd! Scary. It's like my eyes made out with one of those "before" pictures in a Proactiv commercial!
    I didn't know anyone in Europe celebrated Halloween. The beauty of your experience is that you're getting a contrast. You get to look at things objectively and see, is this ritual dumb or do is it really something that gives me joy. I'm jealous. NOW YOU HAVE MY JEALOUS RAGE! Not really.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read! And yes, I'm one of those people on who you would like to use a fire extinguisher, my apologies.
      HOW HORRIFYING is that gourd?? It's like Seal's gourdy twin.
      And yes, apparently they're trying to make Halloween a thing here but it seems that most people just hate it. Quote, "I had no more candy and the kid spat at me." Seems like Halloween here is a little more radical.
      I insist that Halloween in the States is purely joyful!! Embrace the Halloween, Pickelope, and take your rage out on the next pumpkin you see.