Tuesday, September 3, 2013


As a last hoorah before school begins at the end of August, my siblings and I decided to take a sibling vacation. Where you ask? The southern haven for snow birds, long borders, beautifully sculpted men and women (as well as their unfortunate, blobby counterparts), and all other manner of cold-loathing, sunshine-seeking specimens of the human species. So, Florida.

Venturing this deep into the South means that paying a visit to my Great Aunt and Uncle is inevitable. My Great Aunt is a square angel. No, really, she is the shape of a square. We call her Spongebob. 

The Uncle, though... a true boob of a man. Unknowingly insulting, lazy, stupid. So. Stupid.

That potato is a glorified version of my Uncle. Whenever we see him he says, "You'll have to come up and visit us sometime!" Like I live in Cuba or something. I'm from upstate New York. His name. Ready? His name is Great Uncle Dick. Never has a human being been more appropriately named.

An example of Dick's stupidity: Upon arriving at my Aunt's house, which is bright pink, a black lab greets us at the door. I notice her milky eyes and ask about them.

"Oh, that's Alice. She has diabetes and poor thing is blind from her cataracts," my Aunt explains.

"Yeah, that's Alice. She is a great watchdog, aren't ya Alice?" Dick says.

I'm like....

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Pretty sure that dog is blind, Dick.

Next, we meet Ranger.

Ranger is obese, arthritic from his obesity, and often will simply look at you from the floor and whine. It's sad, really.

"Oh, yes, we are trying to get Ranger to lose some weight so his arthritis doesn't hurt him so much," Spongebob declares.

"Yep, big guy gotta lose some weight! Ranger, come here. Come. Come. Ranger, come. Come.... He's not one much for walking," Dick cackles. Eventually, Ranger comes.

"Don't you dare, Dick," Aunt Spongebob spits, her eyes boring into his soul.

"He's hungry, sweetie," Dick muses as he gives Ranger the rest of his plate of bacon, eggs and sausage.

"Your'e gonna kill that dog." Spongebob is terse.

"Honey, I--"

"Shut up, Dick."

I'm like...

He really just doesn't get it. And that's basically how I was the rest of the visit with my Aunt and potato.

Anybody else have ridiculous family members that just drive you to be like...

1 comment:

  1. Yup. There are several Richards in my family too.