Thursday, March 29, 2012

Things That I Know Happen While My Eyes are Closed

What a hiatus! I shall waste no time boring you with what I was doing for weeks because it was all boring and worthless. I sound like a MANIC DEPRESSANT!! (screamed like SNL's Target Lady. Kristen Wiig, I cherish you.)

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Anywho, back to the point of this post. Lately, I have been having trouble opening my eyes after I close them. Don't worry, it's not due to some horrific medical condition.


It's due to what my brain does to me when I close my eyes.

For example: Showering. All is well while I'm in the shower. I scrub my body with absolutely luscious soaps whose fragrances range from shea butter to pomegranite and mangos. The water is just hot enough that as it rains on my head and flows down onto the rest of my body, I get chills and the utmost satisfaction of reveling in such sinful warmth. I scrub my head with shampoo and rinse. I grab the exfoliating face wash.. wait. This is where things get hard. As you can imagine, washing your face with your eyes open isn't easy, especially in a shower where unexpected water splashes are frequent.

I brave the storm and slap the wash on my face, eyes closed. DAMN IT. As soon as I am ready to open my eyes, I know that I will see this:

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(No, not the normal guy who looks unfortunately unaware of the horrific demon behind him) peering at me from behind a slightly pulled back shower curtain. It's a good thing I'm in the shower because I will inevitably have shat myself.

I also know that once I switch off the light in the bathroom after I'm done showering and am ready to leave, this will happen:


Actually, this happens to me in my mind more often than most other scary things. And, of course, my wedgie will be nowhere near as awful as her's. Her asshole chafe must be out of this world.

Aah, so once I have been properly spied on by the demon in the shower and dragged down the stairs to an unholy wedgie-hell, I'll go to bed. ONLY IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

The bed faces the closet. Sometimes the closet is still open when I get in bed. The lights are off. This means that I will not get out of bed for fear of getting dragged under my bed in a similar manner to what happens to me after I get out of the shower. So there I lie, my eyes unwaveringly locked on the closet, waiting for this to happen:

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I don't know why this must happen to me. I accept that my subconscious wants to terrify me and clearly the movies I watch don't help either. I also frequently imagine myself just about to leave the apartment and then DRAGGED RIGHT BACK INSIDE! God, I need some sleep.

So please, share what wonderful things your mind does to you!