Thursday, February 23, 2012


I've met a good deal of people in my days who actually denounce the action of eating a banana in public. In a way, I understand their discomfort. Who honestly wants to appear to be fellating a piece of fruit, or more politely put, sookin' a waynka. (sucking a wanker). Let's be honest, a banana must be mother nature's cruel joke on us all.

I imagine her sitting on some beautiful swing made of willow branches and flowers, her gown of finest chiffon flowing behind her, the only thing ruining her pristine beauty is her sick sense of humor that has damned us all to closet banana-eating. She yells to her tiny mushroom minions (that she designed to look alarmingly like penises, as well), make the banana bigger! Thicker! She laughs at those who eat her giant bananas in public and punishes them by making those around them point and and throw stones.. and she and frowns upon those who cop out by discretely and quickly devouring Chiquita bananas. Pussies, she thinks, eating the Asian brand.

I only bring this up because I witnessed one such abjurer of fruit fellatio in my class today. No, she did not duck her head under the desk, put a book to her face, or, as I often do, strap the banana to my right shoulder and pretend I'm itching the side of my face while I bite. In fact, she never bit the banana at all. She meticulously peeled back the skin of the banana and only exposed as much of the fruit as she was planning to cut off. I'm not sure if her reasoning for peeling the banana in this way was because any exposure of the fruit was as bad as a dog's red rocket - fine while in its casing but once out....

**Side note: I find it appalling when someone says: "Whooa! Spot's makin' lipstick!" in reference to a horny dog. I want to be like: Why don't you let that dog do your makeup, then?

Anywho, she cut the banana with a plastic knife every time she wanted a bite. This is the most extreme case of bananafellatiophobia I have ever seen. And in the end, she made herself look even worse because instead of looking like she was sookin' a waynka, she looked like she was performing some sort of sadistic phallic surgery.

So the moral of this story? Just eat the banana as mother nature intended: a sex symbol, ya pervs.


  1. I break pieces off. It's much more dignified.

    1. You know, it is. What would be best is if you pre-cut your banana, wrapped each individual slice in some wax paper, put them all in a chip bag and called it a day. Then people would be begging you to try your new chips.

  2. Haha! Very funny

    I hope you will be able to see this link - its an explanation of when eye contact is okay - during an interview, and when it is not okay - while eating a banana.

    1. Hahahaha, that is too good and SO true! Pretty much sums up the whole mood of this post. Thanks for reading!