Monday, May 21, 2012

That Time I Got Trapped In The Women's Bathroom

I'll preface this with: I am a male. This is important to the story, as indicated by the title of this post.

So, I'm just strolling through JCPenny's, which is nobody's ideal shopping paradise, when I realize that I should probably find a bathroom before I make this place even more of a nightmare by projectile shatting all over a mannequin. I look up and see a sign that has this picture on it, more or less:

Image Source

Ah. A woman, a man, a child, and Professor X - everyone can use this bathroom, even mutants.

I follow the ceiling signs and finally find the bathroom. Now, mind you, I have been doing this brisk walk for fear of an early bomb toss, so I really just plow right into the bathroom without a care and head for a stall.

I sit down in peace and let the good times roll. Everything is peachy. Someone enters the stall next to mine, she has some nicely painted toenails and is most definitely Asian by the look of those toes. To the left of me another person enters the stall. She also has some lovely painted toenails and is most definitely a chubbier, white mom with short spiky blond hair - I can just tell. (If you have never tried guessing at someone's appearance simply based on their feet, give it a go; you may surprise yourself.)

Wow, a lot of women and only women have been coming in and out of this family/mutant friendly bathroom. I start to get nervous and shift around a bit, noticing how ugly my boat shoes must look to all of the pretty, painted toenails around me. I even drop my shorts lower to cover up my hairy legs. All of the sudden, paranoia sets in. I break into a gentle sweat and realize that I should not be here.

I imagine the look of pure disgust and shame that spiky-haired mother would give me as she wraps a protective arm around her young daughter while I exit the incriminating stall. What a sick mother fucker, is all she would think while she shook her head in slow motion. The daughter would be crying, of course, with nothing but pure fear in her eyes as she looked at me. At this point, I'm convinced I'm a terrible person.

Some girl has this horribly loud walkie-talkie and it sounds like she is getting paged by the store. Naturally, I assume she has been sent to find me for violating women's rights or something. But she, too, sits in a stall. Then, who I assume to be her grandmother, also sits in a stall and takes an obscene amount of toilet paper, wipes once and leaves. THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE.

Finally, I have waited for about 15 minutes... the coast has just cleared after walkie-talkie granddaughter taught grandmother how to dry her hands with an air dryer. I whip my shorts up, don't take the time to flush and book it out of there, only to be greeted by my friend, whom I was with, and some sales employee he had enlisted in the search for me. Apparently, I had been paged throughout the entire JCPenny's, while I was trapped in a women's bathroom, surrounded by glossy toenails.

To end, I glanced at the bathroom door. It said WOMEN'S BATHROOM. So clearly, JCPenny's needs some ceiling signs that match what's on the actual door for God's sake.


  1. Haha! Hilarious - well this time I definitely know this is Quimsical!! :)

    You should link this post up on Wednesday to Finding the Funny blog hop at it's all funny posts.

    Omg the toenails. Idk about the Asian one because sometimes brown girls like me and definitely black girls and even white girls get our toes crazy ninja bedazzled. But the chubby white mom with spiky blond hair? You just became my friend for life. GOD that was funny. And so f-ing true.

    1. Thanks Pish! I will definitely check that out. And, about the toes, I don't know if it is a gift or what but I can just tell what someone looks like by their feet! People say that eyes are the window to the soul, I say toes are.

  2. Hhaha. this was awesome, thanks for sharing. You didn't flush though? nooooo!

    1. Thanks!

      I swear, I'm not a gross person. I was just in too much of a panic to even think about it. All I wanted was to get out of there!

  3. Ha!! I had the same reaction as The Management!! There's no excuse for not flushing mister!! However, this story is SO hilarious I totally forgive you!!

    1. Hahaha, I'm sorry!! I guess I will have to keep that in mind next time I get trapped in a bathroom. And thanks for reading :)