Friday, March 8, 2013

Petty Larceny

The week is at its close which means that I wil be departing college in favor of the colder climates of home for a week on Spring break. It also means that the level I care about school this week is at a real low.  Therefore when it came time for my Modernism class and I realized that my book was upstairs, I certainly did not go upstairs to retrieve it. I mean come on, I'm supposed to walk up stairs now? Why don't I just go sprint a mile? 



In class we sit in very close corridors, sitting in a large rectangle made up of small tables. Therefore it's already awkward when this blonde girl squeezes over to sit next to me. To be fair, she has to, there is no other seat available at the table, so I don't silently smite her, but I still can't cross my legs without accidentally brushing against her leg...not ideal. As neighbors go, she's not the worst, though she is the one who eats full meals in class which I just don't approve of. Eat meals on your own time. Especially when that meal consists of rice, ham, egg, and lima beans...



My neighbor has also set her book out on the table face down and open, which while rude to the book, is acceptable to me. Now as we are seated at at table, it appears as though the book could be either hers or mine. It is hers though. Hers. I continue to remind myself of this as I zone out and end up glancing at the book. That is your book...no. That is not your book, is on a constant loop in my head.   Meanwhile the book is just there...looking at me.

Eventually of course I zone out and without even thinking, reach out and pick the book up, neatly closing it before realizing that that is not my book.


The girl turns, obviously noticing that I've robbed her.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," I say handing her back her book. "I thought this was mine," with my ever reliable awkward laugh.

"I mean you can look at it if you want..." she says, like that book is some sort of 8th world wonder that I was just so transfixed by, I couldn't resist. No. I'm just a weirdo. Also now seems like a reasonable time to say that I was not picking up the book so that I could look at it, I was only picking it up to close it neatly and set it next to myself, which makes it look like I was so annoyed that she left her book out I decided she no longer deserved it.

The two of us continue this repeated exchange awkwardly for a moment longer, attracting the attention of my favorite professor, forcing me to explain that I had stolen accidentally from my classmate.  Then  I glance at my classmates who have begun to notice...


The professor thankfully directs our attention to the text, my neighbor opens her book, angling it so I too can look along, and I, feeling like I need to prove that I never wanted her book, stare pointedly at my notebook.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Lost and Not Found

I am procrastinating so obviously I found this time in space to be an appropriate time to blog about how I have lost my car keys, and I can only suppose that they have been sucked up in some sort of vortex.


I was supposed to drive a group of people to Chipotle (because Chipotle is delicious) when I noticed that my car keys were not where they were supposed to be. Here begins my search.

1. Search clutch multiple times hoping that the keys have magically appeared in said clutch since I last scoured it.  No such luck.


2. Go to friend's house to search there even though they told me the keys weren't found. You must search yourself after all. No one would look harder than you...except my mom. She always finds things I've lost...too bad she's 6 hours away.

3. Crawl around bedroom floor, moving around the mountains of things that have been accumulating on your desk over the past few weeks. I found a lot of dust bunnies...it was disconcerting. Did I clean them...of course not.



Here is where a digression must occur.  As anyone does when they have a major yet not embarrassing or life threatening problem, I complain about it and tell everyone I know hoping that it will either go away or fix itself. I was in the middle of my spiel of all the things I had exhausted when one girl pipes up and says, "Have you checked your room?"


Really. Do you think I would have endured all that I had endured if I had not checked my room?! I give her a look and she tells me to just really search my room.  I mean REALLY search. OH I'M SORRY WHAT WAS I DOING BEFORE WHEN I WAS CRAWLING AROUND LIKE I WAS IN A WHITE SNAKE VIDEO!?


4. Call the venue that I attended the previous night to no avail.

5. Call Taco Bell (yes, I was in a Taco Bell at 3 in the morning the evening before, what do you want from me?)

My interaction with the staff was brief as I was told that they did not have my keys, though I made them describe the keys they did have to me anyway, not trusting them. I trust no one who is employed at at Taco Bell.

6. Shine flashlight into car at night to see if keys are in car.  Unable to see and self-conscious of how shady I appear, I retreat back into the house.

7. Thought I got the number for a bus I was in the evening before - actually got the number from the attractive DJ.  Good thing I didn't leave a voicemail...though, now, of course, I have the attractive DJ's phone number. A silver lining? I think so.


8. Watch a Youtube video on how to break into a vehicle...I'm worried for my friend's search history now.

9. Attempt to mimic said video with poor results. Jacking cars will not be a future of mine. I would also like to point out that several people I didn't know walked by while I tried this and not a single one of them questioned my motives.  Perhaps they saw the crazed look of determination in my eyes...or maybe they just didn't give a shit. That's city living for ya.

10. Call AAA to get them to open my car. They are successful; however, my car alarm immediately begins sounding. The man tells me that I have to use the keys to stop it. I tell him that that's the issue.. I thought that maybe my keys would be inside. He pursed his lips at me and gradually retreated leaving me with a beeping car.  Again, no one was all that concerned, except for myself...I was writing around in a pool of embarrassment.

I still have not found my keys. I have also had to endure a phone call with my mother where she informed me that it will be a real inconvenience to only have the key and not the button unlocker thingy. Thanks mom.