Planning for the Zombie Apocalypse

I'm not a normal person. For a couple years now, I have been unnaturally excited for the inevitable zombie apocalypse, thrilled, in fact. As you know, I've been spending my days watching The Walking Dead and drawing zombie me, which clearly does not help my zombie apocalypse fever. Hence, this post in which I will outline my plan for when the flesh eaters finally show up.

1. We all know you need a mode of transportation during this time or you will be fucked. Especially if you can't run because you look like this:

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We all know you're gonna need something that is fast, powerful and obviously bad ass (this is my one chance to steal any car I want! Yay pillaging!!)

Mercedes G AMG

Badass, right? Yes, of course I have thought of strapping a bike to the back of it, I'm not a fool. God forbid this beast broke down, I wouldn't want to be running through hoards of zombies, hence the bike.

2. Like it or not, you're gonna have to kill some shit and you shouldn't try to do it with your bare hands - scratches do just as much as bites, people. Man up, or grow some lady balls, and pick up a weapon. Guns are great but I've never shot one and I would probably end up shooting my foot, one of my car tires, or someone in my PAWP (post-apocalyptic wolf pack, duh), so I am going to stick with other things.

A. Samurai sword

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This, more than effective (although I'm sure it would be) is convenient for me because I have one sitting in my room.. it is also in line with the badass theme.

B. Crossbow

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It's quiet, it's effective.

C. Bag of blood

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I find this brilliant, if I do say so myself. Smear some of this somewhere and all dem fuckers are distracted for a good 10 minutes while you escape.. in your G Wagon.

D. One person you don't care much about and who is slower than you.

This seems self explanatory to me.

3. You need a plan so you don't just wander around until you die.

A. Avoid large cities.
B. Find some food, you WILL get hungry, you shit.
C. Head toward the barren wasteland that is the Midwest or try to find a boat and float in the ocean until something happens.
D. Make sure you're with someone you can have sex with so you're not that person who masturbates all the time. Post-apocalyptic sexual frustration will probably be the reason we all die.
E. Grab some medical supplies so when I shoot you with my crossbow on accident, you can have a band-aid.
F. No matter what chaos is ensuing, BRING A TOOTHBRUSH AND TOOTHPASTE.
G. Find an abandoned bar and take all of the hard liquor. For the obvious: Molotov cocktails and silent raves.
I. iPod - for silent raves. (I happened to be iPod... they both start with "I" :3)
J. Bring your dog for Christ's sake! A companion and defender.
K. Despite what a good idea it may seem like, just don't go into a shopping mall. Zombies errwhere. I promise you won't look good in the Marc Jacobs you stole if half of your face is ripped off.

Okay, my brain has exhausted all of its life-saving tips but, alas, I'm sure there are many more. What is your plan? Weapons? Transportation?

To end, here's a little treat:

I wasted my time making this. No regrets.

Effects of Laziness: YouTube Rabbit Hole

You know those days when your parents drop you off at your host mom’s house at 8:30 in the morning because they have a flight to catch back to the States and you clearly can’t go with them, so you just lay in bed from then until 8 at night watching The Walking Dead, Modern Family and other  shows until your eyes hurt and you question your existence? 

Yeah, me either.

No, but I totally do because that has been my life ALL day today. I'm pretty damn sure I'm near developing bed sores from my level of inactivity. I'm making Stephen Hawking look like a gold medal gymnast.

So, what have I done with myself other than watch too much of The Walking Dead (there is no such thing) and stare longingly at the jar of peanut butter on my desk?? I have watched an unhealthy and unfathomable amount of YouTube videos. Things I don't even care about, like a 16 minute makeup tutorial that I only endured because it was done by Jenna Marbles and I love her. I sat through a 13 minute video where some questionable gay (no h8) and this British girl laughed at how they pronounced words differently. In fact, right toward the end, my internet quit unexpectedly and you know what I did? I found that damn video again because I was so intrigued as to how the British girl was going to try to read a sentence from The Hunger Games in an American accent. She was awful. I happened upon some quirky science experiment videos, magic sand, magnetic putty, and somehow found my way to Honey Boo Boo...

So what's my point? here it is - holy shit, my door just opened on its own.................. now that I'm safe, my first thoughts were that it was either a zombie, and I would soon see a hand reach through the crack, or it was the turtle that inhabits this fine residence. The uncomfortable reality is that the turtle is more likely.. or is it?? Sorry. Huge distraction from "the point" - when you have literally nothing to do, not a god damn thing, and you subject yourself to hours of YouTube videos, you will get sucked down a rabbit hole. A very uncomfortable and furry hole where rabbits claw at your eyes and try to disembowel you with their horrid, yellow teeth.

I would say that my worst rabbit hole experience was today, when I began my YouTube expedition with the Marry the Night video by Lady Gaga. She is not the most normal person, granted, however, I never thought I would end up where I did after I regained consciousness in reality.

I want you to guess. Are you guessing?

Live horse births.

Yes. I got from point A: Lady Gaga, to point 'whatthefuck:' live horse births.

I can't unsee that. I mean, just imagine a horse coming out of another horse. It's long bony legs and hooves! I didn't JUAN to see that! Nonetheless, I watched. I even scrubbed backwards at one point to be like, "huh, how the hell did that come out of there and end up over there?"

My point is, friends, don't be a fucking loser like me because you will develop a headache and end up witnessing live births. I consider myself lucky; live horse birth seems relatively tame compared to what else you could stumble upon. God forbid you had to watch an aye-aye give birth or be born because they are the absolute ugliest creatures that mother nature has ever thought up. I'm pretty sure they're the hate child of a bat and Wormtail from Harry Potter.

 

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Now, the only thing that would be worse than watching that be born is watching it eat its own placenta. Gah, imagine if it tried to hug you!?