Planning for the Zombie Apocalypse

I'm not a normal person. For a couple years now, I have been unnaturally excited for the inevitable zombie apocalypse, thrilled, in fact. As you know, I've been spending my days watching The Walking Dead and drawing zombie me, which clearly does not help my zombie apocalypse fever. Hence, this post in which I will outline my plan for when the flesh eaters finally show up.

1. We all know you need a mode of transportation during this time or you will be fucked. Especially if you can't run because you look like this:

Stay away from tubs of mayonnaise. Image Source

We all know you're gonna need something that is fast, powerful and obviously bad ass (this is my one chance to steal any car I want! Yay pillaging!!)

Mercedes G AMG

Badass, right? Yes, of course I have thought of strapping a bike to the back of it, I'm not a fool. God forbid this beast broke down, I wouldn't want to be running through hoards of zombies, hence the bike.

2. Like it or not, you're gonna have to kill some shit and you shouldn't try to do it with your bare hands - scratches do just as much as bites, people. Man up, or grow some lady balls, and pick up a weapon. Guns are great but I've never shot one and I would probably end up shooting my foot, one of my car tires, or someone in my PAWP (post-apocalyptic wolf pack, duh), so I am going to stick with other things.

A. Samurai sword

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This, more than effective (although I'm sure it would be) is convenient for me because I have one sitting in my room.. it is also in line with the badass theme.

B. Crossbow

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It's quiet, it's effective.

C. Bag of blood

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I find this brilliant, if I do say so myself. Smear some of this somewhere and all dem fuckers are distracted for a good 10 minutes while you escape.. in your G Wagon.

D. One person you don't care much about and who is slower than you.

This seems self explanatory to me.

3. You need a plan so you don't just wander around until you die.

A. Avoid large cities.
B. Find some food, you WILL get hungry, you shit.
C. Head toward the barren wasteland that is the Midwest or try to find a boat and float in the ocean until something happens.
D. Make sure you're with someone you can have sex with so you're not that person who masturbates all the time. Post-apocalyptic sexual frustration will probably be the reason we all die.
E. Grab some medical supplies so when I shoot you with my crossbow on accident, you can have a band-aid.
F. No matter what chaos is ensuing, BRING A TOOTHBRUSH AND TOOTHPASTE.
G. Find an abandoned bar and take all of the hard liquor. For the obvious: Molotov cocktails and silent raves.
I. iPod - for silent raves. (I happened to be iPod... they both start with "I" :3)
J. Bring your dog for Christ's sake! A companion and defender.
K. Despite what a good idea it may seem like, just don't go into a shopping mall. Zombies errwhere. I promise you won't look good in the Marc Jacobs you stole if half of your face is ripped off.

Okay, my brain has exhausted all of its life-saving tips but, alas, I'm sure there are many more. What is your plan? Weapons? Transportation?

To end, here's a little treat:

I wasted my time making this. No regrets.