Thursday, October 25, 2012

Waking Up...Like a Champion

You know those cruel little pie charts, or lists, or whatever that state that in college there is sleep, a social life, and academics: You may choose two of them.  You've seen this yes? That graphical representation is a cruel farce because without your written or conscious consent, sleep is already eliminated; your professors will make sure of it. Therefore, as you can imagine, waking up after not getting the sleep you feel you deserve becomes a grisly operation.

1. Your alarm sounds and your head immediately denies it. "What's that noise?" your head says to you. My roommate must be waking up or something, maybe my dream now has background music! Wouldn't that be lovely. You feel a lot like this kid as you half slumber.

But then your brain takes over and you glance at your roommate's clock which suspiciously become an hour and twenty minutes fast (how does that happen? INCEPTION), and you realize that that light guitar noise is for you. Yes. Light guitar noises, you can't use those horrid beeps. You'll cringe when you'll hear them and wake up angry every time.

2. So after you've accepted you have to be awake you'll stare at your phone for about two minutes letting the seconds dwindle down until you can will yourself to slither out of your bed and head to the bathroom. The bathroom should always be the first place you go. If it's not I don't know how to respond to you as a person, especially considering a morning bowel movement almost ensures an off kilter day which is important to know upfront.

3. While sitting on the toilet.

I recommend that you begin to consider the outfit you'll wear that day. It will save oodles of time. If you haven't considered your outfit of the day you'll only end up staring at the mass of clothing in your drawers like so:

4. Once dressed, if you'z a ladayyy you've got to do a little to improve your appearance. Sometimes Jesus will smile upon you and give you hair that you can just not touch and run out the door. D-d-dancing in the dark.

And sometimes you wake up with some bed head and need to either create a manufactured style or throw it up in some sort of up do.

Up dos are also great if you haven't washed your hair recently. :) However, if at anytime in the morning you pull out a curling iron and use it. I, and women everywhere, will smite you...with that curling iron. Fuck you for curling your hair in the morning to go to class. Fuck. You.

5. Make up is up to you. I've been leading toward make up as of late as I've had some spottiness.  Thanks hormones and stress. Mascara is really the only challenging thing about make up in the morning as you feel with every stroke of your wand you are peeling your eye open again as it so desperately wishes to remain closed. I also find make up time the time to bargain with myself. (In that way I suppose waking up is a lot like grieving...hmmm) I promise that I'll nap after that class. I'll speed walk home and get a great nap in (I don't nap). If I'm headed to the internship, I'm going to cut out early and get a little nap in for sure! That never happens.

6. Now if you've got the time (it depends on how long you've spent dillydallying putting on your socks), you get to go downstairs to inject coffee into your veins (my coffee maker hasn't been working lately, it's not even a little bit okay, and I would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers guys), and maybe eat a little cereal. Don't eat a bagel with your coffee. Don't do that to yourself. You're going to shit directly in the middle of your class. I promise you.

7. NOW GET YOUR ASS OUT THE DOOR YOU'RE RUNNING LATE. (Even if you were done getting ready early you sat on a couch and stared at the wall as your eyes felt weird until you absolutely couldn't leave any later.) HAUL ASS.


  1. You sound like as much of a morning person as I am. :) Too funny!

  2. Well, now I have the "sittin' on the toilet" song in my head ("now flush"). Glad I'm not the only person who gets angry at people for having nice hair. It drives me insane in TV shows when the women have perfect hair that obviously took hours to craft. It's the part about Walking Dead that drives me nuts! It's a zombie apocalypse! All of them would have their hair pulled back in a ponytail but NO, Lori somehow has a full L'Oreal studio. Fuck perfect hair anywhere outside of a bride on her wedding day. No one has time for that.

  3. Thank guys! As the lovely Zooey Deschanel once said, people should get hugs when they wake up because it's really hard (that quote was paraphrased).

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