Saturday, September 22, 2012

Accidental Thievery

So there's this guy in my English class...and he's probably 25-27 (my original typo was 77, that would be an absurd variation. I chuckled thinking about it, so I thought I'd share), and he has a really deep voice, and his contributions to the class are insightful and lovely, and he has pretty blue eyes to go with his pretty face, and yesterday he sat next to me.

I was pretty pumped to show off my similarly insightful contributions, and impress him, and make him fall in love with me, and take me to a coffe house, and then by me a Pumpkin drink, and then marry me, and father my children. I mean...I'm pretty fancy. How could he resist?

So anyway, he taps me on my shoulder, and I turn around ready to dazzle him with my smile like Edward dazzles Bella.

He in turn thrusts forward the sign-in sheet which I delicately take from him, saying thanks in a demure sort of way. He says something along the lines of, "That girl in front of you still needs it too," though his voice is so deep I really understood what he was saying because of his finger point in the direction of the girl ahead of me.

 I am instantly accommodating and bubbly, SO ready to give that girl the sign in sheet, and show him how perfect I am. So I take the sign in sheet and then I see the pen in his hand: it was a black pen, a nice black pen, I remember this still. My hand closes around the pen and I tug at it. He does not relinquish it. And I'm all:

Why was he not relinquishing the pen? I need it to sign in. And then I realized -- It was his pen.

I tried to steal his pen. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK. So I naturally turn into slightly awkward 1950's housewife me: "Oh my gosh I'm terribly sorry!" I then turn so I don't have to see his face which is almost certainly telling me that I am a huge dumbass. Meanwhile, the girl ahead of me has finished signing her name and turns back to me, unsure as to who she should pass it to. I'm unnecessarily terse with her, "I still need it; it has to come this way still." Subtext: You dumb whore.

It is only the first five minutes of my "shot" with this pretty, gravel-voiced man, and I've managed to make myself into the dumb fuck who steals pens out of people's hands. Then, knowing I have to spend the next hour uncomfortably close to him, I wear this expression for the duration of class:


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