I'm in a wedding this summer yay! Though that of course means that I am put through the stress of getting a bridesmaid's dress. I got my measurements in the fall and of course with the amount of ice cream I consume figured that the dress would be too tight. I was having nightmares for quite a while. As luck would have it the dress was far too large (evil smirks of satisfaction), even falling down in the boob department which is usually the department that I need more room for.
The first time I went in for a fitting I became inexplicably furious with my mother after she missed the turn off for the Bridal place, and then was told I needed to have my wedding shoes to even get the fitting done. Are you fucking me!? I scheduled another appointment and went off to buy a bra with no back and feel nervous about it the entire drive home.
Fast-forward to my next appointment. I went up on my own this time making sure to bring my shoes with me. Not my bra though; they can suck it. The woman retrieves my dress and holds it out; I look at her. What does she want me to do? Take all of my clothes off in front of her to put this dress on? What if that's not what she wants? Wouldn't that be embarrassing if I just started stripping and she didn't want me to. "I'll just have you step into this," she says. I take the leap and remove my clothing to step into the dress. "Do you have a different bra to wear?" she asks me.
"Yeah I do but it's a backless one so I didn't want to wear it too many times." She nods but looks annoyed.
She pins up the dress in the places that need pinning and then brings me out of the fitting room to check the length. It was just fine thank you, so it looks like I didn't need the shoes the first time assholes. "I'm just going to bring out Rosa to see if I've pinned this right," she tells me.
Rosa comes out, and she's most likely an old Russian woman. Oh boy, I'm excited. "Dis bra is too high," she tells me. I give her the same spiel as the other lady. "You should have brought dat bra because different bras sit differently," she tells me. I am ashamed. "What size are you?" she asks. I tell her and both women disappear to the back (I should mention that in my nerves I almost tell her the wrong size and second guess myself twice. I'm a winner).
So they have bras just sitting in the back!? Then why are they giving me so much shit. I tell you what....
The first woman returns, takes me into the dressing room, and straps me into the bodice bra she's brought out. Hey! I can put on bras all by myself thank you. "Can you just slip out of the bra you're wearing?" she asks.
Obediently I slip carefully out of the bra I was wearing so I'm not wearing two bras. That would be weird. I'm careful not to allow my boob, or a fart to slip out as I fear either one will. I'm quickly learning that the bridal fitting women have not shame.
I'm brought back out in my fancy new bodice bra that has most likely been worn by countless other women, and Rosa begins to circle. "This is too big still," she informs the other fitting lady. Nice job not Rosa, I think to myself. "I want you to learn to study her body," Rosa tells not-Rosa in her Russian accent. I stifle a laugh.
"See it's wrong here," she says lightly stroking my ass on the seam of the dress with one of her fingers. My eyes go wide. NO SHAME!
Finally my fitting is done, I change back into my real clothes, notice that I'm wearing bright orange underwear with white shorts for the first time today, make an appointment to try on the dress again after it's been altered. and I'm allowed to go on my way. I promptly turn the wrong way, disobeying the GPS but eventually make it home safely where my mother lectures me on the upcoming bachelorette party telling me, "You're my baby I can't lose you."
Mom it's just a dinner.