Monday, March 5, 2012

La Policia Coupled With Tears of Despair

Driving home, six hours, woke up at 5:15 am, three hours of sleep, and the Jay-Z song was on, the Jay-Z song was on.  So I'm on the phone with my co-author, bored, having been in the car for hours.  Not to mention I was a little stir crazy, driving by oneself for hours can get a little challenging.  Before I'd gotten on the phone I was singing Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On at the top of my lungs, having lost my voice the weekend before, it sounded more like Chinese Water Torture than music, but I digress.

New York is a haven for the police, a state just poor enough that they seemingly need to have cops pulling over a certain number of people a year to bring in all that fine money.  MUAHAHAHA says the government.  You'll enter New York and immediately see those menacing navy vehicles parked where you can see them, causing your heart to contract and shoot further into your chest cavity.  Even if you're going the speed limit, or just over, you slow down.  I would imagine that that's very entertaining for police officers.

Anyway, I'm chatting on the phone, I have my phone hooked up to the sound system in my car so I'm not breaking the law of talking on the phone while driving.  I see to my right that a cop has another car pulled over, I continue on my merry way, pleased that I don't have to worry about that particular cop pulling me over.  However, shortly after I pass the cop pulls back onto the road, my heart shoots backward as I slow to just the speed limit.

"Jeez, this cop is behind me, I don't like it," I tell my friend.  "They're not going around me."

I see the multicolored light show behind me, the cop has signaled that my ass is grass.

"Shit, I have to go," I bark onto the phone, hastening to hang up before it becomes apparent that I was talking on the phone as well as breaking a law...I don't know what law yet.

My aunt is a state trooper, I have a sticker that shows I have familial ties to the troopers, apparently winning me brownie points, however, this cop (a woman?) comes to the other side.  My heart is pounding, though mostly I'm questioning what I've done wrong.

"License and Registration please," says the VERY butch woman glaring in at me.

Remembering that I heard somewhere if you have a sudden reach for the glove compartment or anything in your car, the cop may very well pull a gun on you I tell her, "my license is in my purse in the back seat and my registration is in the glove compartment." She nods, regarding me as one might a mosquito on their shoulder.  I retrieve what she asks for.

As I unbuckle and turn to the backseat to get my license "she" says, "Is there a reason you didn't change lanes?"

I am immediately polite and apologetic, "I didn't see you were trying to get back on the road until after I'd passed you, I'm sorry."

This was not the response she was looking for, "Aren't you aware that you violated the passing rule by not changing to the immediately adjacent lane while passing an emergency vehicle?"

"No," I answer, the phrase, ignorance of the law does not make you exempt from it, ringing in my mind.

"Her" face turns to condescending shock, "You don't know that for over a year now there has been a law stating that you must change lanes when an emergency vehicle is stopped with its lights on?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"So you've just been driving around, not changing lanes for emergency vehicles?"

Well I apparently forgot to mention that my car is usually lit ablaze when I drive past emergency vehicles. Bitch.

"I don't encounter that many stopped emergency vehicles," I tell her honestly, still shocked that this is why I have been pulled over.  I mean honestly.

"I'll be right with you," she says walking away, but not before adding, "I would have hoped out of common courtesy you would have pulled into the other lane regardless."

I immediately chastise myself but the first word that comes to mind as she walks away is, "cunt." God, I hate that word, but if there ever was one... Not to mention it's a total lie when the police say "they'll be right with you." That wait is the longest of your life.  I swear it takes hours, during which I was holding back tears.  I would not give that "woman" the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

After receiving my ticket, the officer and I reached an impasse, who gets back on the road first.  I waited for her to go, not putting it past her to pull me right over again.  Good thing I did too because not a minute later I was able to get the distinct pleasure of seeing her pull over yet another person (seriously "lady").

After being a safe distance away from her, the adult I am, called my mother and promptly burst in hysterics.


  1. Wow that officer seriously needs to get laid ASAP

    1. This is my co-author's story but you're so right. I imagine this woman as Jon Voight with a bad mullet.

  2. Is it possible she resented you because you were feminine? Not all butch-looking women want to look butch.

  3. Oh jeez. I don't mean to be antifeminist because PLENTY of male cops are raging assholes, but I feel like female cops are assholes in their own way. Male cops are the ones who tend to be arrogant racist pricks (and no offense to your aunt - I have 5 police officers and troopers in my family so I'm just talking about the bad ones) - and female cops are the ones who tend to be nitpicky condescending beezies.

    I would have been like "what's an emergency vehicle"?

  4. I think female cops may think they're more entitled to be condescending (in my own experiences) because they feel that they are the minority and therefore have special powers, not unlike X-Men. And, that law is so bullshit. I understand it to an extent but what if it's impossible to merge into the left lane without smashing into some car!?

  5. Then you will probably need your own emergency vehicle.